Monday, October 17, 2011

Bird, Bees and Elephants

As a parent of growing children, one of the things that has terrified me is the thought of The Talk. Yes, The Talk. I'm sure most of us can remember when we got The Talk from one of our own parents, that's if they had the courage to and didn't leave you to your own devices. I seem to recall that I only got half the story. Mum told me about girls and their periods, but I don't think she ever mentioned why it happened, let alone the intricacies involved. I have no idea what my older brother might have been told!

I've been lucky so far. Thing 1 is 10 and never shown any interest in knowing where he came from. Plus, given that he and his 2 younger sisters were caesarean deliveries he knows how babies get out of mum's tummy. He's never asked how they got in there. Phew!
He started an innocent conversation with me in the car the other day. (Why always in the car where you can't escape?!) No one could have seen the turn the conversation would make. It went a bit like this:

Thing1: What country does our family come from?
Me: Mostly England, Great Grandpa's dad was Scottish.
(various unimportant mumblings)
Me: Nana's mum was born on the boat on the way from England.
Thing1: That's cool.  <Pause>  But how did she come out, there's no surgeons on boats?
Me: <stalling, desperate for a meteor to hit the road in front of us> Not all babies are born that way.
Thing 1: Oh yeah, sometimes they come out the bum.
Me: <hoping we'll have enough money for his future therapy> No, they don't come out the bum.
Thing 1: What? So how do they get out then?
Me: Girls have another hole, next to the bum. (Really? That's the best I could do?)
Thing 1: Eeeeewwwww! But still, how do they get out? Like elephants, does a baby elephant come out its mum's bum?
Me: No, girl animals have another hole too.
Thing 1: Eeeeewwww! But how can they? How do they fit?
Me: Kill me now.

So, that went well. He's actually getting closer to 11 now, so I guess we really can't avoid The Talk for too much longer. Plus, he watches Glee so he's probably got half of it figured out anyway. My plan will be to allow The Chef the honours with the boy child. That will mean I have to deal with the two girls when the time comes, but maybe Thing 1 will help me out with that. 

If, for some reason, I'm lucky enough to have to do it myself I will be following Mrs Woog's experience, as detailed on Woogsworld. Surely nothing could go wrong there?

In the meantime, I'd love to know how it went for you. Have you had to have The Talk in your house? Is it ever easy?


  1. Brilliant too funny:) aleast he did didn't say you have a massive vagina x

  2. Although I was flippant about it on Twitter, we were very open about sex when the kids were growing up. It must have worked as they both majored and got their degrees in biology - and Mr. (now) 31 figured out how to make twins no less. LOL!

    But if you want to talk about embarrassing, there was the morning that S walked into B's bedroom and found a bra on the floor - which was obviously NOT hers or I's. When she asked whose bra it was up popped a head which answered in a small voice, "mine."

    It's all good as she is now the grandtwins mom. :-)

  3. A hole next to the bum. Hilarious. I am so relieved I have got it out of the way! xxx

  4. Hee hee hee, I think you handled it well. When all else fails I like to snap: Ask your father! But they're getting a bit old for that now, so we tend to use correct words and make it all very scientific and boring.

  5. My 9 year old is doing family life she says it's all grose.

  6. My Mr11 asked the BIG QUESTIONS when he was 6. He had a burning desire to know back then but it was all scientific for him.

    Now he's just been through 3 sessions of Grade 6 Sex Ed. He's slightly traumatised, but survived. For some backward reason, learning about periods did not freak him out, but he nearly screams if he sees a bra. I'll enjoy that while it lasts...

  7. My then 5 yo daughter (now 8) was in tears in the shower. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she had done something terrible. After enquiring again what happened, she told me she was washing herself and found that she had split. She was so upset and wanted me to take her to a doctor to get sewn up and be 'whole' again. LOL.
    And no, I still haven't done the birds and bees talk properly. As 3 out 4 of my children are IVF bubs, she thinks that's how all bubs are made. Will keep it that way till she's 9 or 10 or 29 perhaps :)

  8. oh I am not looking forward to explaining this to my kids.. them trying to figure out how bubbaroo got out of my tummy was scarily close to having to tell them.. good luck!

  9. An old blog of mine has some posts about when Miss13 started asking questions. It was, um, "interesting" lol

    Oh and when she was about 9 I bought her "The Puberty book" and gave it to her with the advise that she could read it herself, with me, ask me questions whatever... it's been the best thing ever for her. Plan to do the same for Mr7 in a couple of years.